The Unspoken

The Unspoken
 
Now that Thanksgiving is passed and we press onto Christmas and New Year, emotions, hopes, wants and expectations can begin to build.  Let’s unpack those 4 words in sentences in past tense in regards to Thanksgiving, then focus on a couple of specific words more extensively.  “I was so excited for Thanksgiving.”  True, I was excited.  “I hoped we would have a great time”.  True, I hoped we would have a great time and we did.  “I wanted the time to be peaceful”.  It was peaceful other than the normal children squabbles.” “I expected everyone would help in preparing of the meal” and they did.  Each of those areas can be a land mine for hurt feelings.  You may be experiencing the after affects of it right now and hopefully can find some healing before the next wave of holidays. But let’s just focus on the last two of that list, wants and expectations.
 
There are several Christmas songs that mention the word “want” in the lyrics. Mariah Carey has a top hit song “All I Want for Christmas Is You” which is so popular. In 1949, Nat King Cole recorded a song with Capitol Records entitled “All I want is my Two Front Teeth”.  Wow, we have certainly refined what we want since that record.  According to Vividseats in 2016 (the latest I could find), the most frequent 5 words used in the lyrics of Christmas songs were as followed: Christmas, merry, want, know, and baby.  Maybe it’s because we had many years of children in the home, but with the word want, I have a triggered memory. I can hear so clearly someone saying in a strong voice  “I want _____,” to which we faultlessly replied “we don’t always get what we want”.  The truth is, we do want to provide what our loves ones “want” for Christmas. As a child, I seem to recall the response to be “the want may go on wanting”.  Has anyone ever heard that saying before? While the desire to meet “wants” is real, we all have limitations and reasons the “wants go on wanting”.
 
Wants tend to be fleeting.  Today, I may want a SUV but tomorrow I may want a sedan.  Expectations kick up the thoughts to another level, almost like a demand on what should happen.  It is a stronger implication of what the gift or situation should result in for the person having the expectations.  So let’s focus on the strong feeling/word of expectation because with it comes a whole lot of baggage.  I have seen many people carry hurts in their hearts as a result of unmet expectations.   Let’s define expectations in two categories, spoke and unspoken.  I remember very vividly when Isaac and Andrew were a senior and junior in high school. I posted on their door a “Martin Luther” thesis stating that I expected their room to be cleaned by 5:00 pm or their car keys were to be put on the kitchen counter.  That note got action and my expectations were fulfilled. I wasn’t expressively descriptive as how to clean but the time frame was firm. Both boys received the message loud and clear and the mission was accomplished. What would have complicated their ability to met my expectations would have been if the expectations were unrealistic…say they were on a bus going to a soccer game out of town.  That would have been unrealistic of me to think cleaning their room on that day by 5:00 pm would happen.  Unrealistic expectations are a whole other issue. But let’s focus on the unspoken expectations.
 
In Luke 10:38-42, we read the about Jesus’ visit to the home of Martha and Mary. 
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.
It appears to me that Martha had expectations of what she was trying to prepare for Jesus’ visit, which put stress on her and to add insult upon injury, Mary was not helping.    How could Martha change the problem?  Go to the person with authority, Jesus.  However, as she took the issue to Jesus, she took with her the expectation of His response…that of correcting Mary of her “lack of help” with the preparations.  Contrary to Martha’s expectations, Jesus supported Mary in her actions of sitting at His feet, choosing what is better, and that it would not be taken away from her.  Mary was choosing something eternal and Martha was focused on the temporal. 
 
Our expectations, especially the unspoken ones are packed with emotions and many times are unrealistic. As an example, I may have an expectation of Darrell surprising me with a 30 day River Cruise through Europe, already dreaming of the time away, the sights and experiences we will have and quiet time together.  As Christmas comes closer, my anticipation of his gift grows, my heart and steps are light and I am bubbly, having a hard time of waiting for the day. When the day of Christmas finally arrives, my expectation of a grandiose trip goes up in flames when I open the small box of earrings.  In my mind, nothing could compare to the expectations of what I had built in my mind.  Putting on a plastered smile, I muster gratitude for the earrings while smoke is coming out of my ears from the expectations of the trip going up in smoke. And for most of us, when our expectations are not met, we walk away with a little singed part of our heart, carrying it with us for a while or always.
 
How can we do better at expressing our expectations and realizing unspoken expectations are rarely met? First and foremost, express the expectation with those who are the most likely “helpers” in meeting them. In discussion, seek what is possible and probable.  Secondly, remember, people are not mind readers.  How can I even have a chance of Darrell knowing that I want to go on a river cruise if I haven’t informed him in a clear or forthright manner. I am fairly sure the “realistic” conversation would ensure and I would come to my senses.  Thirdly, do a self -evaluation of the expectation, asking the “why”.  Why do I want it?  Even when an expectation may be good like “no family fights” it needs agreement with all of those involved.  Or I want to be surprised with a big new ring…why?  So I know he loves me.  Wow, that is a large land mine and potential for a lot of damage.  A different approach is much better than setting yourself up for a big fall because of dashed expectations.
 
As you enter into this next month with excitement and anticipation growing up to the time of Christmas, keep a finger on your pulse, checking your unspoken expectations.  Reveal expectations to those who it concerns.  Give them to God, letting them go and creating a mindset of gratitude for each day God gives us.  When we keep God centered in our needs, wants and emotions, releasing our expectations to Him, things will look brighter and happier.
 
Blessings,
Karen